Insight
Taking My Freedom Back — 1. From Others
This is an honest record of my own self-exploration. If any of this sounds familiar — if you're going through something similar or quietly struggling because of it — don't just read past the questions. Pause. Ask them to yourself.
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Others. Others make my life really hard. They make even the simplest things difficult — like posting a photo on social media. Before I even hit upload, my brain starts spiraling.
What will they think? Will they like it? Will they get the wrong idea? Will they even care? Will they understand what I'm trying to say?
I sit with these thoughts for hours. Most of the time, I just don't post.
How many things have I never done because of this?
How many things have I never done because of this?
Q. Why do I care so much about what others think?
When I really think about it, it comes down to this: there's a version of me I want people to see. And I try so hard to be that person — or at least look like that person — that I burn myself out. Every time.
Here's how I see it:
The me I want others to see → an ideal, something I made up
The me I want to hide → the real me, the one that actually exists
I don't want people to see who I really am. I'm not okay with it. So in a world where I have to be around people — at school, at work, at church — I feel like I only have two choices. Keep up the act. Or avoid people altogether.
Q. Why do I hide my real self? What am I so afraid of showing? Q. Why do I keep performing this ideal version of me instead?
I just don't feel good about who I am right now. If people saw the real me, I'm scared of what they'd think. And I'm scared that image would spread — through my friendships, my community, everywhere.
When I define the ideal version of me, I can see exactly what's missing in who I am right now. And that's why I don't feel good about myself.
Q. So what does that ideal version of me actually look like?
Honestly, this is what I want:
Working as a product designer at a big tech company or a hot startup. Making good money with solid benefits. Being seen as someone smart and capable because of it. Feeling financially and emotionally secure in my relationships.
And this is where I actually am:
Not at a big tech company or startup. Not working as a product designer. Not making good money or benefits. Feeling like people see me as just average. Feeling financially and emotionally unstable because of all of it.
That gap between who I want to be and who I am — that's why I don't feel good about myself. In real life, I kept chasing that ideal version of myself, believing that if I just worked hard enough, I'd get there someday. But around other people, I was already pretending to be that person — performing, packaging, faking it. The truth is, getting there was never as simple as I thought. With every failure, the gap kept growing. Motivation gave way to disappointment and defeat. Around people, one mask turned into two, then three. And it was slowly breaking me.
Then one day, in the middle of all that, a question hit me.
Q. Why can't I just let people see the real me? Why do I need them to see this ideal version instead? When did this start? What made me this way?
I thought about it for a long time. And I started tracing my way back.
When did I become like this?
To be continued